Wow it has been two years since i last wrote a blog...I dare say that these last two years while being the toughest and quite possible the worst two years of my life..Have changed me forever...For a very long time i would go throaugh life worrying about what other people wanted they said jump i said how high? It seemed normal all the things i felt and i wasnt worried at first. But then gradually my life was at a downward spiral that picked up speed with each passing moment. I woukld love to be able to say that it has gotten better but i cant say that...I should probably explain what happend because all the people who knew me then i am not the same person and im quite certain that they are wondering what happend...Well im finally here to set the record straight...Hiding from your pain and problems gets you no where either does running from them because it only creates more i learned that the hard way. i never really was all hat much like everyone else my age...And then for the first time in my life i felt accepted...I met a group of boys that changed my life forever in such a profound way...They called them selves the dragon kids...Untill that point i had never really had friends i sat at home on the weekends with the exception of a girl named sam who introduced me to them which was the only good thing that came from me knowing her...my best friend my only realy friend moved away when she turned 16 and i only recently was reunited...those st x boys...they changed my life forever..I had real friends which i had never had in my whole life.People that for the msot part were accepting of me even if i had to grown on them a bit....They are the people that made it possible for me to get by in a school full of people that thought i was nothing.just knowing that i had those few st x guys made it ok...and i was truely happy for the first time in my life...But you know people change they grow up and they grow apart and grow to hate the things maybe they cared about before because they cant udersand the changes...Because as much as none of us like to addmit it change hurts like a bitch...Whitney my best friend was gone then slwoly the guys all left to go on and do great things go to school get jobs..meet so many new and amazing people...And i was the one that was left behind...I never learned how to drive because it wasnt a priority for any one to teach me...so even if i had been able to afford school i didnt have the means in another sense...I became very lonely and depressed i went from having the things i always wanted for a short time to having none of it all in a flash....it broke my heart...I began to lose my self esteem again which was never good to start with no one wanted to be around me because the only people around were people i went to school with...I began to hang out with sam more...I was a good kid till i met her and i cant blame her for everything but a good portion of situations she dragged me in to thats different.I started ahnging out with older men because they paid attention to me when no one else would not even my sister who ws 2 years older and thoguth i was nothing...Things were slowling going down hill till one night the gradual was gone and it was at a rapid rait...i felt as though i was drowing and couldnt pull my slef up..It was the night i lost my virginity..i had saved it my whole life waitng for the right guy i had just turned 18 a few months before...and lost it all in one night to a drug dealer in a crack house....his child he had with another women was in the room acroos the hall...he told me he needed me he cared about me and the next thing i knew it was gone just like that...Needless to say he didnt care about me and my parents some how knew what happend i was forbidden from him...It was one of the best rules my parents ever gave me...aftter that i was under the impression that i was ruined and that no one would ever want me..So i went searching for something a guy who would care about me because i fetl i had nothing else...id love to tell you i found that but i didnt...all i found were older men who had a fetish for a barely legal teenage girl who had no self esteem...ha i learned the hard way over and over again...the medication the drs had been shoving down my throat for 4 years was supposed to help with impulse controll needless to say it didnt..I began to get in bad situations where i wouldnt even want to have sex with these guys i was just there i would freeze. i thoguht if i let them do what they wanted..they would love me....boy was a wrong...in fact the sad part is i didnt even like sex most of the time....i wanted it to be over with so i could go home and cry my self to sleep..I didnt know how to make it stop how to help my self i was dying in side....i saw a therapist every week and a psychologist they would put me on so many differnt pills i was lethargic a good portion of the time i was so medicated..I began to hate my self more...my body was addicted to the pills the drs put me on they said i needed them..and i knew they were bad for me but every time i tried to come off them id get real sick...my brother got out of prison came to lvie at home i was always trying to take care of everone except my self him especially he was a drug addict and arsonist...And ic reid so many nights begging god to help my brother..When jeff moved back in here with my parents..it was awfu...when no one was around he would tell me how stupid i was or to shut up..or tell me i dressed slutty...or threaten me.. he degraded my self esteem till there was even less than before...Then one morning last august my dad woke me up and asked me if i had stolen my moms car... i said no what are you talking about i cant drive...even...he said the cops are here they wanna talk to you...the cop asked if i had taken my moms car on a joy ride that someone in my moms van hit a car and sped off...i said no i have no idea what your talking about then i said my brothers here ask him...jeff came up from the basment high on pills as usual and drunk as fuck his lips were purple he was slurring his speech...and he denied taking it up and down..told them it was me...he said i was a liar that it had to be me cause i just got my temps they day before...They cops whent to talk top eachother my brother called me over when they werent looking... and said "i know you did it tell them right now that you stole moms van..stop lying" he said alot of other thigns basicly threatend me  so i told the cops i did it cause i didnt want my brother to go to jail...they akse what time i took it they knew i was lying..i came back and my brother said what did they say did you tell them? my brother was willing to let me go to jail so he didnt have to ...that was when i knew i had to get out...i met htis guy on the internet we started seeing eachother next thing i knew i lived with him...i had to get away from my brother and all the men that hurt me and used me.. thats where the whole running away from problems came in...didnt work so well...i was in michigan with a verbally abusive guy who neglected me i lost 12 lbs was malnourished very sick and was starving because he wouldnt cancel his wow accounts to buy food once he lost his job..i had to walk to work... a a banquet hall one day a week to have any money at all...every time i tried to go home he got inside my head threatend to kill him self he maniplulated me in a god awful way...finally my dad came to got me...i was home for good...i eventually told that awful man to f off and changed my number...so he coudltn hurt me any more....i was doing ok being back when well sam bonn came back in my life for one night of hell....started with a htoel room a stirofoam cup a man who was horrible...and ended with a hospital...a shot a black light as two nurses seached my body for marks..and a detective who basicly called me a whore degraded me and the reasponsible people threatning me that was actually when i changed my number....after everything....And i picked my slef up out of the dirt once again...trying to put back together the pieces of my broke life...i began to get sick all the time even more than i was in michigan it was a problem with my tonsils they kept making me very sick i ws in the hospital more times than i can recall more shots and ivs...for so many differnt things...Then i was doing kinda ok on antibiotics for 8 weeks to stop my throat from almost swelling shut again...and i finally decided to leave the house to hang out with my friend aaron...i had been doing so well in the avoiding really bad guys department..but what was coming for me next i had no idea..aaron had a new room mate names kyle..i wasnt really in to the guy all that much..but he seems ok...kyle and i ended up seeing eachother...he started to get really controlling he would tell me to shut the fuck up take my phone and call guys who were talking to me...i wasnt aloud alone with his room mate who i had been friends with for 2 years or else he said i was a supid whore...i felt so trapped kyle would get so angry at me some times..i was scared of him...once again he said jum i said how high...i couldnt get out i hyad never been mroe faid of a man in my life...it got worse with each day...I finally was not allowed to see him any more..and i did one last time...but not to be with him to try and make ncie so i didnt lsoe my friend aaaron which was his room mate...i was there just trying to sleep i got up cause i felt sick and wanted some water...i cam back and kyle started screaming at me asking where i had been flipping out...i told him i was tired of how he was treating me and i stormed out he followed me out side.. it was raning and he said donmt you ever fucking humiliate me again bitch or youll be sorry somehting along thsoe lines he told me i stupid and pathic i kept feeling mroe sick...so he told me to walk home i left as fast as i could....out side in the rain then i got thsi sharp pain in my lower stomach it was worst pain than i had felt in a long time...i was on the growund in panic mode scared that he would come after me and in severe pain..i called the ambulcance...i didnt know what was wrong..as im on the phone crying not able to breath kyle shows up...yelling something telling me to get in the car...trying to apoligizle blocking him out was all i could do..thank god a cop showed up minutes later came over to me and he saw i was scared he told kyle to stay away the mabulance came the cope talked to me...he said did he threaten you or hurt you..i said no but if i hadnt gotten out im sure he would have...he then procceded to tell me that kyle had a recor for dometic violence...i got the hell out of there and never looked back i am so blessed that i found out early some women dont till its too late...so the hospital gave me a wrong diagnoses and about a week and ahalf ago i found out at the health clinc by chance that i have problem in my kidneys and bladder and kidney tubes..the infection from my tonsils spread and they are afraid its on its way to my heart...they are trying to stop it but the medicine doesnt seem to be working all that well...i have to use a nebulizer some days to help me breathe better..and ive started lsoing my voice...so im going to the dr wed morning hes concerend hopefully he will have something in mind to help...im more scared than ive ever been......but at the same time...im very blessed..after every thing ive been through im alive...i have a roof over my head my parents lvoe me and i have whitney back and some days are harder than others to get out of bed...but i am stronger than ive ever been in my life..and even thoug ig et down.. i know that there are so many people who have it worse than me..and that i am so very blessed...and if by some chance the infection spreads to my heart and they cant get rid of it i could go knowing that all those experiences changed me for the better..im stronger and tougher than ever and the people i lvoe and that are my will to get better and live...And people do change change hurts us...greatly but god has a plan..thats for sure we may not understand and not agree with it..but he knows what hes doing so mant times i could have died but he chose to keep me around ...and im ok with that..and im ready for whatever life can throw at me well as ready as ill ever be...ansd i know it will be tough..but im hoping that finally some good will happen again...I just thought that the people i love who dont talke to me every day or see me should have an explination as to what changed me and how it did and why i will never be the same...but at this point im changed for the better...and i will never forget any of you...even if by chance god decides to take my happy ass out...at some point...

lots of love april...

                                  "ON THE WINGS OF ANGELS"

can you feel it now?because before you know it  life is gone in an instant.Why must they suffer so? My heart beigins to break as rain falls from the heavens my body slowly aches. Looking in a casket a face thats snowy white.Not a glimer of hope no happiness in sight.The way your body trembles as your eyes they well with tears.No longer do those arms embrace you,can you hear it now? Do you know that sound? I heard it long ago and now i know it oh so well.The sounds of angels voices singing all around.Rolling through the sky like thunder a storm is coming now.Your mind begins to race you shake from head to toe.And in that very instant everything you know is about to change forever. all those tears the nights i cried my self to sleep thinking you werent there not knowing what to hope for being so scared. Still the fear it covers me i shiver and i shake.But now i know what i feel is not in vain. that your life here on earth has ended but the one you have ahead has ony just begun.I'm sorry i couldnt say what i felt or bid you my last good bye.But one thing is for certain that song it makes me cry.You rember dont you? the one i sang the last time we spoke?The one when i knew you were dying as the words were caugth in my throat. Yea thats right its amazing grace. Thats the one that gave you peace just before you left.Do you rember me?Cause ill never forget you.Everythign you taught me with what youd say and do.You are my inspiration for being who iam.you were my angel here on earth.you meant the world to me.and though yuor gone i know that you looking down with love you hear what i am whispering.you know that i miss you and i probably always will but my message got to you on the wings of angels.and i know in my heart that angels arnt supposed to cry so if im going to be an angel like you were i had better dry my eyes.so heres to you marie you lit up my life and ill never forget you or the angels so heres my last good bye.But only for a while i know ill see you soon good bye and i love you i know that ill get through.Because if theres one thing you taught me its that angels always do.

From my eyes i see that beauty is within. For the longest time i waited as the world went passing by.Like a flower swaying in a gentle breeze i too had my time to bloom.The love that is within me it spreads rapidly like fire. One that cannot be tamed. one that houses all my hope dreams and desires.  rain falls down around me as tears that all the angels do cry.The wind i slowly whispers "i know you can survive." Just as morning dew soaks the earth.The mist it fills the air.Everything is quiet and still for a moment.as though the world has stopped around me.finally i catch my breath......Just in time to see  the radiant beams of sun that to feel there warmth upong my face as though an angel as touched me with its warm embrace.all my cares drift away to a place on a far off shore and i am left with nothing but the love my heart endures.every thing i long for the longins seases to be.and i am left to ponder what may become of me.And as i do a whisper slowly in my ear "the strength is there inside you my child do not fear".Then the cloud surround me the voice i heard is gone just a fragment lingering on the wind.and reality has set in im there alone under a sky of rain and mist but i know in my heart i will survive ill get through this.